All change......

hullo .... I have decided to change blogs and am moving to a new address. Lots of reasons, but I intend to start writing again, and feel like a change is as good as a rest.
New blog address is isabellanutts.wordpress.com
Hope you will continue to read and follow.
Much love x

you get to thinking.....

...well at least I did today, that we kind of slip into believing what we want to believe. That we pretty much make our own truths about what we believe in and that in reality, unfortunately, our beliefs and half cock truths are so far from what is really going on that, when the stark truth hits, it is full blown grief that hits too. 

I think that is my version of what it feels like to fall out of love.

Or, at least that is how I thought it would feel.

It doesn't.

I feel a bit glum, but that is it.

I bought a lot of wine as I thought the sadness would get me in the end and that I should have some on standby...but hey, it hasn't happened. I opened a bottle anyway, you know, just a glass and I could stave off the baddies; but instead I am just having a quiet night in with a bottle of wine, on my own, watching currently Inspector Gadget. 

Happy day :) 

Much love x

The phone call.......

ah you might think, you said you would get back to us yesterday, and you might think, why on Earth are you writing at this unearthly time? Well my friends, they are really for one and the same reason.

Rethink Mental Health contacted me to say that the Daily Mail are interested in writing an article about what it is like to be Isabella. Hmmm, I thought, and just why are they so interested in writing about a person who only has three 'safe' places she will go in the world, Sainsburys, my Doctors and the psychiatric unit? What is interesting about a person who cleans her home obsessively and then cleans it again? A person who is so full of grief and sadness that she resorts to cutting her body, drinking excessively and overdosing on her medication? Someone who has psychotic episodes and sees maggots, mice and guinea pigs?  A person who was once a pretty terrific teacher, and now can't walk down a street, who wont talk to anyone, and can only communicate via this blog? Well apparently, the above paragraph is why...... 

So why then did I not write to tell you this yesterday, and why am I writing this at silly o'clock? Because just at the moment that I realised that I was ridiculously happy that someone thought I was interesting enough to write an article about, I realised why (re: above paragraph).....

It is not great to be worthy of publication just because I have lost the plot, I have articles from teaching newspapers about how great my teaching was, that is what I want to published for. 

It would seem, whatever I do, I do it well; or at least well enough for the media to be interested in anyway, even being mentally ill.

So the moment of happiness was shortly followed by the bottom of my world disappearing and terminal gloom setting in. Of course I will be interviewed for the article, I will demand to see the article and insist on changes being made if I don't like it, but hell fire people...remember me because I was a great teacher, not because I am ill.

Much love x

Ta dah.......

I have Christmas under control. That is, I have the tinsel, trimmings, excessive presents etc all sorted... oh yes, and that all in time for the end of the world tomorrow.

Christmas in my head, well that too seems to be under control. 

Tomorrow is Christmas for my youngest daughter and I. We will have a proper Christmas lunch, though I no longer eat meat, I think I have it all organised.

Dave the rabbit is all decked up in his house with sparkly lights, a snowman and a Santa, though I am not sure he has noticed.

Have cross stitched all the Christmas cards. Not sure if they will be noticed, or appreciated for the love and time they took, but that is ok.... I know how much love and time they deserved. I could have called this post, 'How cross stitch saved my life', it has, but a title like that may seem a little dramatic.

Have important phone call at 10am, so am off to worry pointlessly about it, and will report back to you later regarding it.

Much love x

 

Just a thought....

What goes up....

....must come down. Yup thanks for that Isaac Newton.

Truly, when I had just got used to the state of equinimity, it got dragged out like a rug from under my feet. No, I can't go into details, mostly as it would bore you, but also, I think I kinda behaved quite badly too. The good old, 'well I am mentally ill card", does not excuse all types of behaviour.

The past, as I have said before, is as it is, and has, in some way, to be accepted for being what it is. That is  not to say that past hurts do not continue to hurt, but they hurt less if you kinda get that no amount of intelligent reasoning is going to make them any different.

Right now though, hurts which happen do trigger awful reminders of the past, and that reader, is what happened. A small event triggered, what is called in the profession I am a patient of, a psychotic episode.

I am glad it is over, it was scary. Feel nothing today, a blessed relief.

Speak soon, keep warm.
Much love x

It's minus freeking two.....

oh yes, I know it is winter and all that but please, minus 2.......

Dave (the rabbit) has gone into a state of almost hibernation. He comes out of his house, sniffs around a bit, then either makes a nest in the throws on the sofa, or goes back to his bed. The heating thermostat is working, but hardly makes a dent in the overnight temperature. Many jumpers are worn (not by Dave), and he has daily fresh hay in his house, amazing what he can do with it, not quite macrame, but flippin' close.

I have  made one of those appointments, which seemed a good idea at the time. Off to the opticians for 8.50am. Huh, why oh why was that even an idea? But the headaches have grown worse to the point where all the mega drugs from the Doctor make no difference and it feels like my brain is either going to explode through my right temple or implode my right eye. Charming huh, I will spare you the rest of the details, but having cut out caffeine, cheese, wine (oh yes, this is serious stuff) and chocolate, the only  other option I can think of is either a brain tumour or I need glasses.

I have dealt with the brain tumour option, have been to neurology, and have to have one of those EEG machines for a week. Fortunately, as I have an extreme dislike for hospitals, I will have the electrodes glued to my scalp, and then leave the hospital, only returning daily to have the disc, which records my brain electricity, changed. Cool stuff, so that woman, you see strolling around Sainsburys, with wires coming out of her head is me.

So, what after the opticians does the day hold? 
I reallyreallyreally, have to wrap the Christmas presents for my children. Hate it, wont see them open them, have no idea what they like anymore, but gotta do it. Have made them all new stockings, and feel pretty clever about it. Think I will post one so you can see.......
Well, am trying not to descend into pit of self pity and gloom, after all, though the past was really truly crap, it is what it is.

If I accept what happened, and also accept that I cannot rationlise it, explain it or make it any different and that it just is what it is, then I can stop it haunting me. It is over. Of course there are times when flashbacks happen, and it has me by the throat, and there is little I can do about that, but on a day of equinimity (thanks for that word Gordon!) it is just not so bad. The overwhelming, all consuming pain in my chest, the one that wont go away, the one which only goes away when I cut, drink or overdose, it just aint around so often. No, there is no excitement about the future, but there is also less fear of it too. I just have a feeling that everything will be alright, not great, but just equininimously ok.

Keep warm, and much love x