One day this week, and I can't remember what day it was as I am totally stuck on today being Tuesday, and apparently it is in fact Sunday. I took 500mg of diazepam with 70cl of vodka, reason for was to die.
If you refer back to my complaint to the Police entry/post you may understand my motive for this even though you may not understand how I justified suicide, my thoughts of having no one who loved and cared for me, was my rationalisation for this. Yes, many of you will not understand, and I am sorry, and I accept you can't. Many of you may think it is an offence against God, Buddah, whatever you believe in, and maybe it is. But I can't exist without knowing that someone out there cares and accepts me, for the shitty, nutty, crazy loony that I am.
Someone, who will remain nameless couldn't get hold of me of the phone, but didn't have the balls themselves to knock on the door and show some compassion, or at least just let me be, phoned the Police and Paramedics who broke in through a window. I was unconscious. They chose to go against my wishes and to save me. I don't think, that once I woke up in hospital, I have ever been so pissed off about being alive, as I have ever been about anything else ever.
I tell you this with honesty, clarity, and with some idea of how things might get better. (But I can absolutely guarantee the secondary mental health team will not give me drugs again. Bless them, I surely let them down by doing this, and I am sorry that I did this with their prescribed drugs.)
The man who I loved has asked me to write down a list of things that he has to do to regain my trust, my love and my respect. Right now my reaction to this is for him to either lie down in front of a truck and die painfully, or I could try to stay off the vodka long enough to write the list, or I could do some self preservation, keep my phone off and not bother with him (Jesus, i nearly wrote another profanity again).
And...... the amazing thing, the thing I had not even thought about is the seemingly endless list of amazing friends who are there for me, who do love me for the fucked up nutter that I am. I could make a huge list and embarrass all of them, but it is ok to embarrass my brother, that is part of my role of being a sister, ha ha ha, my brother is the best. I haven't seen him for so many years, but you know what, even though we loathed each other as children, normal brother sister relationship, I couldn't love anyone more, obviously in a sisterly way, than I could love anyone.
Here's to brothers! To staying alive, but living somewhere else, to having my right to be utterly nuts, and being left alone. Yeay.... now I am going to drink copious amounts of vodka and go to sleep, much love you to you all, I think somewhere inside all of you are all probably a bits nuts, or wish you could be, that's what makes me love you more x
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