Tuesday, 11 December 2012
It's minus freeking two.....
oh yes, I know it is winter and all that but please, minus 2.......
Dave (the rabbit) has gone into a state of almost hibernation. He comes out of his house, sniffs around a bit, then either makes a nest in the throws on the sofa, or goes back to his bed. The heating thermostat is working, but hardly makes a dent in the overnight temperature. Many jumpers are worn (not by Dave), and he has daily fresh hay in his house, amazing what he can do with it, not quite macrame, but flippin' close.
I have made one of those appointments, which seemed a good idea at the time. Off to the opticians for 8.50am. Huh, why oh why was that even an idea? But the headaches have grown worse to the point where all the mega drugs from the Doctor make no difference and it feels like my brain is either going to explode through my right temple or implode my right eye. Charming huh, I will spare you the rest of the details, but having cut out caffeine, cheese, wine (oh yes, this is serious stuff) and chocolate, the only other option I can think of is either a brain tumour or I need glasses.
I have dealt with the brain tumour option, have been to neurology, and have to have one of those EEG machines for a week. Fortunately, as I have an extreme dislike for hospitals, I will have the electrodes glued to my scalp, and then leave the hospital, only returning daily to have the disc, which records my brain electricity, changed. Cool stuff, so that woman, you see strolling around Sainsburys, with wires coming out of her head is me.
So, what after the opticians does the day hold?
I reallyreallyreally, have to wrap the Christmas presents for my children. Hate it, wont see them open them, have no idea what they like anymore, but gotta do it. Have made them all new stockings, and feel pretty clever about it. Think I will post one so you can see.......
Well, am trying not to descend into pit of self pity and gloom, after all, though the past was really truly crap, it is what it is.
If I accept what happened, and also accept that I cannot rationlise it, explain it or make it any different and that it just is what it is, then I can stop it haunting me. It is over. Of course there are times when flashbacks happen, and it has me by the throat, and there is little I can do about that, but on a day of equinimity (thanks for that word Gordon!) it is just not so bad. The overwhelming, all consuming pain in my chest, the one that wont go away, the one which only goes away when I cut, drink or overdose, it just aint around so often. No, there is no excitement about the future, but there is also less fear of it too. I just have a feeling that everything will be alright, not great, but just equininimously ok.
Keep warm, and much love x