If you can't think of anything nice to say...

or useful, or interesting, or readable, or helpful... then I am not going to post today!

much love x

Yesterday....

By about five oclock, I realised that sitting in, hiding from dragons would not feed me, and that I would have to face Sainsburys. Having made it to Marsh Mills roundabout, most of the lanes were solid with traffic as our amazing Police Force had decided to stop an overstuffed Volvo, with about a million children in the back and poor mum and dad, looking sunburned (heaven knows how) and very stressed, on the roundabout. Poor mum and dad, at the back of the Volvo, which was stuffed with deckchairs, windbreaks, towels, wet dogs, picnic boxes, were remonstrating in a half hearted demonstration of road worthiness with the Police Officers and the kids were kicking off in the back seat. Other drivers hooted mercilessly at them. I however, had realised that as the Police had now blocked the roundabout and were busy harassing tourists that I might be able to get round Sainsburys without getting detained for having the potential to shoplift. So I parked, raced around the shop, back to the truck and shot swiftly down the Embankment, and out to see the sea..... five minutes with the sea was all I wanted, just five minutes solitude, watching the waves, listening to the waves. I parked up in a deserted car park, at last I thought, five minutes to chill, with my favourite place,the sea. Radio four in the background, the shipping forecast, perfect....... Out of the sea, like one of those monsters from Dr Who came this thing, a black shape, barely human form.. no face, tubes coming from all over the monster... I froze (think I could have been disassociating at this point) The monster walked towards the truck and stopped. I, horrified, could not move, and was frozen in my seat. the monster moved closer and took off its face.... 'eh up', it said, 'art that the shippin forcast?', 'Yup' I mumbled, trying to work out what to do, trying to get a grip on reality... the monster then told me he was diver from Leicester, 'you've swum a long way', I glibly retorted, but alas, he really was from Leicester and was staying in Scout Hut in Plympton with some other divers. We talked about the visibility, which for Plymouth was fog patches, moderate to poor, and then I left. I could not think of anywhere else I could go by the sea to have my five minutes, and unfortunately it messed up my head for a few hours. But hey, I made it out alive, sea monster turned out to be a skinny bloke from Leicester.

Alcohol, numbness and the dragon......

PTSD and abuse of alcohol go hand in hand states a government report. Up to 75% of people who have been involved in a traumatic, life threatening events will go on to abuse alcohol, or other drugs. The reason for this is the numbness and anaesthetic effects that, for me, alcohol brings. I no longer have the battle between the petulant and persistent threat system which tells me that I am not safe, and the healthier me that knows that everything is pretty much ok. There is no battle, no winner, no loser, just no battle. Having no battle is great, there are no feelings, no exhausting mental play of what could happen next and what has already happened, just numbness.

Physically I have been checked to make sure that my liver and blood count are ok, and I am doing just fine. I have strongly defined rules for my drinking, I drink between seven oclock in the evening until nine oclock in the evening, that means, using the the formulae of units and time to process those units, I am fit to drive early the following day. Mentally, alcohol is a depressant, and the following day can bring some very low times... but alcohol, or vodka in my case, bring blessed sleep, and escape from it all. Without vodka equals no sleep, even with sleeping tablets, no sleep.

But this vodka dragon has to be slayed, I don't really want to slay it, as I can't see an alternative, but it has to go.
Why....? Well my drinking has to be logged this week, each milli unit of vodka, logged. If my drinking doesn't come within, what I guess are acceptable parameters, then I will be reported to the DVLA as having a drinking problem. The result of which I guess is removing my driving licence and that, I promise you isn't going to happen.

This does make me very angry. I do not drink and drive. But the threat is removal of my driving licence unless I stop drinking (and yet, my alcohol use is defined by the medical profession as self medication).  Well, I had  better be locked up now, as I am going to have to go food shopping later, and I might shoplift something, that is as unlikely as me drink driving, but hell, I have already been  locked me up for five hours in a Police cell when I had done nothing wrong, so I don't know why I am looking for any kind of bloody logic.

So, last night I did not sleep.... that's ok, not a problem, no vodka = no sleep. Today, feeling ok, just tired. Lack of motivation to slay the washing up dragon, the washing machine dragon, and the hoover dragon, but I will just sit and watch rubbish on the tv. I don't think I will risk going to Sainsburys and buying any food, just in case the Police feel the need to lock me up for potentially being capable of shoplifting.....grrrr..... bring it vodka dragon, you are nearly slain, and that only by own anger at this bizarre society we call humanity.