Hmmm....another duvet day?

the news brings more terrifying images of yet another 'escaped' feline, this time a large black cat, probably another photoshop illusion, but hey, it could be a reason to have another duvet day... Unfortunately I have run out of electricity so will have to get up and go to shop to top up electric key. Presumably by now huge black cat will be back at home, normal size and eating its kitty kat, no normal cat would be out today, the rain is torrential.

Had an email from Oliver Colvile, the health reporter from local newspaper has not been in touch with him. I will email her in a minute, my concern is that she has decided not to go forward with the article, I guess if she has I will have to take my concerns to a different way of publicising the need for both the crisis house and for the 136 Unit to be re-opened...but it does concern me. Maybe a naked protest through the city centre would do it.... I could contact other people like me and we could set out naked across the city, a few placards and banners, and obviously welly boots, it really is very rainy today, proclaiming the need for these resources.
I cannot complain about my treatment. Secondary mental health services in the city are excellent. But they fall down when they are not supported by these resources which are needed in times of crisis. Please note that Plymouth City Council were prepared to buy into the local football team, but when the airport needed funding, they were no where to be seen. Hmm... prioritisation of funding?  Right now I am doing ok, but the other one in four of us out there in the city might not be, and I pray that we can do something to support them when/if they need additional support in times of crisis.

The Anti-Wedding Anniversary Day......

Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary.I didn't make it that far, I ran away. Today brings mixed feelings, huge grief for what I have lost, and massive strength from what I have gained.

I cannot bring myself to think about the losses, therapy, psychology etc. etc. cannot bring me to discuss or think about them, I know where I go when the losses come to me, and it is not a good, safe place to be, you know where I go, Police cell, hospital bed, the depths of the pit of doom.

But, what have I gained? I guess that now, when I can combat the internal battle, that I am safe now. I choose my friends carefully, will be more carefully after I have been on the course the Police have got planned for me, I can't remember what it is called, but it is to make me more aware of abusive behaviours, what is right, what isn't right within a relationship, friendship, lovers etc., so that I can see who is being abusive before it becomes a criminal offence I guess.. Oh it is called 'Pattern Changing', and will apparently make me have more self esteem and confidence, rock on that sounds good.

So, today is full of mixed emotions. Have decided that instead of having another rotten day, I will make today my 'anti-anniversary day', and go and have fun. The sun is sunny, the bunny is happy, I will go to the Barbican and have a womble around the charity shops and find some fabric to make an anti-anniversary patchwork cushion. Nikkinoccynoo has lent me her sewing machine, so I will have a go, and make something positive and punchable! Heh heh heh, oh yes, punchable!

If you can't think of anything nice to say...

or useful, or interesting, or readable, or helpful... then I am not going to post today!

much love x

Detox Day Three....

slept well, so well that getting head off pillow was difficult. Feel like I have been sedated, except for my tummy which is violently upset, and makes me bolt for the loo frequently. Well, it is a detox, guess the 'tox has to come out somewhere... yuk

Day feels empty, the brief numbness which alcohol provided me before, has been replaced by a day long numbness from not having it... odd. Try to think of something which is worth doing today, but brain is in neutral. But, one day at a time, and today, being in Numbville, is pretty good!

Fighting back... Heroine or Victim?

A few years ago, I started to write a book. The book became two books, the first 'Letters to the Queen' and the second, ' Twenty One Days of Retribution'. Letters to the Queen, detailed my struggle through domestic and sexual violence over many years, and the fight to find justice and closure to it. Twenty One Days of Retribution, describes my fantasies of revenge. Fortunately they remained fantasies or I am sure I would be at the wrong end of the Criminal Justice Service!
A week ago, when I was thinking about how to change attitudes towards mental illness, I found out those books. I have been offered money for them to be published, but I could never bring myself to finish them, there never was any closure. When I looked through the manuscripts I realised that I had changed since I had written them, and the way in which I had portrayed myself was as a victim, has changed. I no longer think of myself as a victim, more of a heroine, after all despite all efforts I am still here, I survived!
I began to re-write the books, thinking that I could change the way in which I portrayed myself. But it was more painful than ever to re-read what had happened, the consequences and how I was when writing those books. I have put them away. Some things are better off not being read, or shared I think!
I am writing the sequel to those books now, 'Going ever so slightly mad', this time it is written as a triumph. A triumph over the abuse, a triumph over those people who believe that writing me off as a nutter and ignoring me would make me go away, a triumph over the Criminal Justice System (secret to be revealed very soon, well probably a couple of months!) I have not yet won myself over and I hope with all my heart to be well soon, in the meantime the demon of vodka, sedatives and cutting remain with me, but I will win. Don't forget, Manic defense against Chronic Dysphoria, I will win!

  

So... that's one in four of us huh?

The World Health Organisation stated that one in four people in the World are affected by mental health disorders.

As one of those 1,723,648,711 people in the world affected (did the maths, there are apparently 6,894,594,844 alive today!) I have found the stigma, lack of understanding and discrimination of others to have become another symptom of my illness.

My illness is not a choice or a personal failure. My illness was caused by situations and an environment I had little/no control of. However, for many people affected there is no reason, it just is.

The purpose of me writing this, is to help to put an end to the lack of understanding, discrimination and stigma attached to mental illness and give those who don't understand an intelligent insight into what it means, how it feels and my own journey to recovery.

So... no talking at the back please!