Today...

errrrrr...... technical hitch, I managed, whilst wrestling with Dave the Rabbit, to spill coffee over my keyboard. So I have just returned from PC World with a wired keyboard, which is now precariously balanced on top of my laptop.... hmmm... that flippin' bunny.

Today Plymouth is experiencing biblical rain, one which makes me think that journey later would be better taken by Ark, rather than Tallulah the truck. However, as I am lacking an ark, I will put four wheel drive on and brave the flooded roads.

Last night was spent in the company of very good friends. I had a lovely time. One friend was discussing his recovery from mental illness, and how he found it on his own, without the help of psychiatrists, psychologists, therapy, medication etc etc.... It has set me to thinking that if I could think in the same way as him, that I would be well. However, I have asked for further clarification via email, so that I can work out if I can!

The Anti-Wedding Anniversary Day......

Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary.I didn't make it that far, I ran away. Today brings mixed feelings, huge grief for what I have lost, and massive strength from what I have gained.

I cannot bring myself to think about the losses, therapy, psychology etc. etc. cannot bring me to discuss or think about them, I know where I go when the losses come to me, and it is not a good, safe place to be, you know where I go, Police cell, hospital bed, the depths of the pit of doom.

But, what have I gained? I guess that now, when I can combat the internal battle, that I am safe now. I choose my friends carefully, will be more carefully after I have been on the course the Police have got planned for me, I can't remember what it is called, but it is to make me more aware of abusive behaviours, what is right, what isn't right within a relationship, friendship, lovers etc., so that I can see who is being abusive before it becomes a criminal offence I guess.. Oh it is called 'Pattern Changing', and will apparently make me have more self esteem and confidence, rock on that sounds good.

So, today is full of mixed emotions. Have decided that instead of having another rotten day, I will make today my 'anti-anniversary day', and go and have fun. The sun is sunny, the bunny is happy, I will go to the Barbican and have a womble around the charity shops and find some fabric to make an anti-anniversary patchwork cushion. Nikkinoccynoo has lent me her sewing machine, so I will have a go, and make something positive and punchable! Heh heh heh, oh yes, punchable!

Dave the Rabbit......

Dave, or as he was known then, Poppy arrived into my life May of last year. He/she was born in Cornwall and is a Mini Lop. He/she has remarkably long and velvety ears and is the cutest.

When he/she was born, he/she was taken to a vets and sexed, definately a female says the vet, and six weeks later she/he is ready to come and live in the pink cottage we had made for her/him.

Poppy/Dave was very tiny, and cute, and has the biggest personality! I didn't realise that such a small fluffy bundle could bring so much change, and love in my life. 

Poppy/Dave runs around me in constant circles, buzzing... a weird noise, a bit like a bee in a jar. She/he has to sit beside me, or on my lap with her/head stuck in my armpit. She/he seems to enjoy watching tv, which she/he does while I am cleaning up or cooking. She/he prefers green foods and is not that keen on carrots, though if you julienne cut them, she/he will have a sniff and a cursory crunch on them. I read on the Internet about the running around in circles and buzzing behaviours, and was assured that Poppy/Dave does this because she/he loves me.... ahhhh cute... but there was additional information, this was generally associated with male behaviour, I did not take this bait, after all she/he had been sexed by a vet.

After a year Poppy/Dave was now living in a much bigger house, though during the day she/he is a house rabbit, at night she/he gets put away into a rabbit house, and locked in for the night. I had to do this as Poppy/Dave will jump into bed with me and bite my hair, according to the Internet, she/he does this as she/he is concerned that I am dead, and it what she/he does to check that I am not. Very cute, but it does not aid the eight hours of sleep which I need! Anyway, after a year, I went to her/his house to let her/him out for the day, and Poppy/Dave was VERY excited to see me... It became apparent that Poppy was infact Dave.... hmm... I felt very strange about this change of gender. I felt almost as if a predatory male had made his way into my life, in the guise a girly bunny, made me love him/her and I really struggled with this. My CPN was concerned and found that the NHS do not do gender reassignment surgery for bunnies, so I was stuck with Dave.. It took me about five minutes to make this ok, and Dave and I have happily lived together since.

Dave has a harness and lead so I can take him outside to eat real grass, he comes camping with me, and enjoys being in the countryside, though he struggles slightly with the beach. He eats well and sleeps a little more now, mostly flat on his tummy with arms and legs splayed out, he watches a lot more tv now, mostly Emmerdale and Coronation Street, though he does like Country File. I can't imagine my life without Dave, he is my responsibility, he knows when I am not well, we play together, sulk together, he hugs me when I am sad... He can be terribly naughty though, and will eat any paperwork, more particularly any paperwork which is really important, and I know the old, 'my dog ate my homework' routine, but honestly, my rabbit really did eat that form the DWP want me to return!

Monday.....

Booo, the sunshine has gone again. Had lovely walk yesterday, through the woods, past the lake and then to the sea. Didn't realise just how warm the sun was, at least maybe I had forgotten how warm the sun is! So pleased that Spain and France are having a super hot summer (not!) while we are sat in this muggy, sweaty heat, under cloud and frequent rain..... humph... wish for some money so that I can go to sunny place and decide to buy lottery ticket.
Monday is a funny day, a bit of an anti-climax after the weekend, I look around for a useful job to do, but I did them all yesterday. Flat is spotless, Dave the Rabbit is cleaned out, fed and watered, so I think today I will draw.
I am very lucky, I have a lovely little flat, a gorgeous Dave Rabbit, everything that I need, and most of all, some amazing friends. I shan't name them, they know who they are, but sometimes I feel very aware of how lucky I am to have them.

I guess I am a hard work friend to have. First of all I need constant reminders that they love me, and they haven't forgotten about me, and that I am good enough.... then they are there when I am in crisis, to double those reminders and also to tell me that everything is ok and that I am safe. Then they have to cope with me chopping myself up, overdosing etc etc..... that has got to be hard, they put in all the time, effort and love for me, and then I sabotage it all. So I don't just have friends, I have AMAZING FRIENDS.

Froogs once told me of a quote from Marilyn Monroe, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". I like that, but it is a little arrogant for me to say the same. However, I have not self harmed for eighteen days, I am on day three of detox and everything is good. Finish this off with another quote from Marilyn.... "Sometimes things have to fall apart, so that better things can fall together".
Much love x

Hands together please.....

and a standing ovation for me, as I have driven to and from Liskeard, negotiating right hand turns and roundabouts (both absolute phobias of mine), without incident, and without tears.... ta daaaaaaa.....!

Last time I had to drive any distance, and we are only talking driving up to the service station at Exeter, about forty miles away, I sobbed for the entire drive,  navigating Haldon Hill with buckets of tears and snotty hankies piling up, I am surprised I made it at all. But that time I took Dave the house rabbit with me, so I had to drive carefully. Poor Dave, all of a sudden he is bundled up into his carry box, strapped onto the passenger seat and driven up the A38 and M5 to meet a Police Officer, who also thought the arrangement slightly odd, but was pleased to meet him. This time, as Froogs and I were doing the ladies who lunch and womble day, it was unfair to cart him off and leave him in the truck for hours so I drove on my own. I was accompanied by Radio Four with a stern female voice who I could imagine telling me to pull myself together and get on with it, so I did.

The day has been great, lovely to meet up with Froogs and gossip and shop and lunch. Great to have completed the drives there and back without bumping into anyone or anything, and so great to do it all and feel competent and well... hooorrrraaayyyyy!

Tum....te....tum

Today… well today is one of those days when I am defined by illness. I simply cannot cope. I have tried removing myself from people, tried driving, drawing, painting and pastels, no good, can’t find peace of mind. Have taken prescribed tablets, not too many, just the right prescribed amount. Am thinking of turning on telly and watching mindless crap, but can’t face the thought of wasting the day doing nothing. It is intermittently raining, so no beach and no walk. Got no money, so can’t waste day wandering around shops, and really I don’t want anything anyway. Have come up with plan to clean flat, but just remembered I did that yesterday. Thought about cleaning blinds in sitting room, but after event with rabbit and curtain pole earlier in the week, have decided against that.

I am not depressed, I have great drive and motivation to do things, and depression usually affects people’s ability to be motivated. No, not depressed.

I have tried being mindful, ie. Reminding myself that right now I am safe and that nothing harmful is going to happen, or at least nothing harmful is happening right now. Nope, that isn’t what is going on in my brain.

I am not bored, though I can’t paint, draw or do anything well today, it doesn’t really matter, I can still do it, just do it badly, and that’s not a problem, I only do it for me, it’s not like I am ever going to be a professional artist and find my livelihood depends on it. But that doesn’t seem to bring relief today.

Maybe I could write another letter of complaint to the Police about how they dealt with me when they detained me under section 136 of the Mental Health Act, but there seems little point as the last two letters have made no difference. Could compile all the information I need Oliver Colvile MP to see when I meet him next week. But have awful feeling that the meeting will be that horrid little pat on the head,’there, there dear’, and nothing will change.

Maybe I could go to Sainsburys and buy a bottle of their pink value plonk and drink that followed by vast amounts of vodka? At least then I would feel nothing.

Cutting is no longer an issue, at least not to my face. Ben, my CPNs boss, who I mentioned in yesterday s blog, came to see me. He had come up with a contract, that I wasn’t allowed to cut myself until 12.30pm of yesterday and I stuck to it. However, when he came to the flat yesterday , I mentioned to him that though I had stuck to the contract and not cut, I felt that contracts should be mutually beneficial, and that this one wasn’t. He had asked me not to use my method of dealing with my frustration and self hate, not replaced it with anything else, and in return, he had a  patient who hadn’t cut and he therefore had done a good job. He then asked me to agree to another contract. This time I had wised up to his contracts. He asked that I didn’t cut my face until after I completed a new form of therapy, DBT, psycho dynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, lobotomy, can’t remember what it was.Ha! I thought, not on your nelly mate, to satisfy this contract, I want something out of it too. I suggested a large bottle of vodka, he refused, I asked for a big box of diazepam, he refused, I asked for a balloon, he refused….. running out of ideas I asked for a t-shirt. We have now agreed, that in six months time, if I stick to my part of the contract, I will get a t-shirt which will state, ‘Bugger me, Ben was right!’. I have to say I am not sure I will wear it, but at least this time, we have almost a contract.

So, today, I am going to draw, very badly, some boats and some angels……..

Much love, peace and safety  to you all x

Note to oneself.....

Cleaning is a very important part of life, it makes sure I don't get killed by germs and bugs.
However, whilst under the influence of prescribed sedatives, the rest of yesterdays vodka, a loose house rabbit (whose only purpose in life is to run around me like a demented giro) to decide stand on a chair, then climb onto a table to undo a screw I can't see (which is holding up a curtain rail), the resulting fall and nasty ankle injury is likely to get me detained on another section 136.

For today, why not just watch the Olympics dear, it has got to be safer.