Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Fighting back... Heroine or Victim?

A few years ago, I started to write a book. The book became two books, the first 'Letters to the Queen' and the second, ' Twenty One Days of Retribution'. Letters to the Queen, detailed my struggle through domestic and sexual violence over many years, and the fight to find justice and closure to it. Twenty One Days of Retribution, describes my fantasies of revenge. Fortunately they remained fantasies or I am sure I would be at the wrong end of the Criminal Justice Service!
A week ago, when I was thinking about how to change attitudes towards mental illness, I found out those books. I have been offered money for them to be published, but I could never bring myself to finish them, there never was any closure. When I looked through the manuscripts I realised that I had changed since I had written them, and the way in which I had portrayed myself was as a victim, has changed. I no longer think of myself as a victim, more of a heroine, after all despite all efforts I am still here, I survived!
I began to re-write the books, thinking that I could change the way in which I portrayed myself. But it was more painful than ever to re-read what had happened, the consequences and how I was when writing those books. I have put them away. Some things are better off not being read, or shared I think!
I am writing the sequel to those books now, 'Going ever so slightly mad', this time it is written as a triumph. A triumph over the abuse, a triumph over those people who believe that writing me off as a nutter and ignoring me would make me go away, a triumph over the Criminal Justice System (secret to be revealed very soon, well probably a couple of months!) I have not yet won myself over and I hope with all my heart to be well soon, in the meantime the demon of vodka, sedatives and cutting remain with me, but I will win. Don't forget, Manic defense against Chronic Dysphoria, I will win!


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