Tonight, the man who says he loves me said that I had a nightmare last night and woke up shouting that I did not know where the bodies of my children were, and that I had disturbed his sleep. He did not want me to disturb his sleep tonight so I had better go back to my flat alone. Believe me, I do not want nightmares, I do not plan them, and try disrupt his sleep and I do not want him to blame me and then to isolate me. It made me very sad , for christs sake I do not want to be ill and haunted by the past. I left telling him that he should not expect to see me again. The previous night he had assured me that if I wrote a list of the things that he had done which had hurt me he would make sure that he would not only apologise, but also make sure that he would never do them again.
However, tonight, me saying that he would never see me again, made him decide that I was going to kill myself, oh no chance of that...I have mega strength and some amazing friends who I could call now, and they would be here in minutes. My words were that I had had enough of being blamed for my illness by him, I do not get pleasure from nightmares, flashbacks, self harm, alcoholism and overdosing, no, it is f****ing horrible. Instead a Police Officer turned up at my door and as soon as I went outside for a cigarette she detained me under section 136 of the mental health act, removal of a person to a place of safety.
A SAFE PLACE.
I have been kept in a Police cell for five hours. I was strip searched and then internally searched as the metal pins and implants which keep my pelvis, thighs and ankle in place and mended, set off their metal detector.
I was seen by two psychiatrists who had no idea why I was being kept there against my will, and have just been escorted home in a marked Police car.
A Police cell, I hope none of you will ever experience that. Watched by CCTV constantly, talked to by through a grill in the wall. Coffee handed to me through a letter box shaped gap in the door. Given a blue cotton gown and a pair of filthy size seven flip flops, my feet are a size five and are clean. My possessions and clothes taken away, recorded. My hair clip and earrings taken away. Imprisoned in cells next to where other prisoners were either raging or snoring.
I had done nothing wrong, please give me the strength not to forgive this but also to survive it, cos right now.... I can't x
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