Saturday, 18 August 2012

Alcohol, numbness and the dragon......

PTSD and abuse of alcohol go hand in hand states a government report. Up to 75% of people who have been involved in a traumatic, life threatening events will go on to abuse alcohol, or other drugs. The reason for this is the numbness and anaesthetic effects that, for me, alcohol brings. I no longer have the battle between the petulant and persistent threat system which tells me that I am not safe, and the healthier me that knows that everything is pretty much ok. There is no battle, no winner, no loser, just no battle. Having no battle is great, there are no feelings, no exhausting mental play of what could happen next and what has already happened, just numbness.
Physically I have been checked to make sure that my liver and blood count are ok, and I am doing just fine. I have strongly defined rules for my drinking, I drink between seven oclock in the evening until nine oclock in the evening, that means, using the the formulae of units and time to process those units, I am fit to drive early the following day. Mentally, alcohol is a depressant, and the following day can bring some very low times... but alcohol, or vodka in my case, bring blessed sleep, and escape from it all. Without vodka equals no sleep, even with sleeping tablets, no sleep.
But this vodka dragon has to be slayed, I don't really want to slay it, as I can't see an alternative, but it has to go.
Why....? Well my drinking has to be logged this week, each milli unit of vodka, logged. If my drinking doesn't come within, what I guess are acceptable parameters, then I will be reported to the DVLA as having a drinking problem. The result of which I guess is removing my driving licence and that, I promise you isn't going to happen.
This does make me very angry. I do not drink and drive. But the threat is removal of my driving licence unless I stop drinking (and yet, my alcohol use is defined by the medical profession as self medication).  Well, I had  better be locked up now, as I am going to have to go food shopping later, and I might shoplift something, that is as unlikely as me drink driving, but hell, I have already been  locked me up for five hours in a Police cell when I had done nothing wrong, so I don't know why I am looking for any kind of bloody logic.
So, last night I did not sleep.... that's ok, not a problem, no vodka = no sleep. Today, feeling ok, just tired. Lack of motivation to slay the washing up dragon, the washing machine dragon, and the hoover dragon, but I will just sit and watch rubbish on the tv. I don't think I will risk going to Sainsburys and buying any food, just in case the Police feel the need to lock me up for potentially being capable of shoplifting.....grrrr..... bring it vodka dragon, you are nearly slain, and that only by own anger at this bizarre society we call humanity.

4 comments:

64zoolane said...

Hey. I can see my English breakfast remnants dragon from where I'm comfortably sitting reading your blog. Dirty plates, bits of toast, baked beans going crusty in the bowl. I'll get up and slay my dragon In A Minute.

We all have dragons to slay, big and small. Good luck with yours today.

X

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hey Zoolane, loved your last comment, and this one too! I am about to negotiate the shower dragon, I may feel more like slaying the rest when I am a clean dragon slayer! Thank you! x

susan said...

Dragons, I like that, maybe I can have a 'good' one that will slay the evil pixie that lives on my shoulder (you know the one that made me give up going to the gym and pilates 2 1/2 years ago because husband and workmen were in house for 9 months doing 3 months work, then severe financial cutbacks thereafter, (long story, boring etc) then, THEN yesterday the nurse said she was referring HIM (fat bastard/bad back) to the gym and swimming etc (free he says) for weight loss!!!! 'Oh' I said turning back to the laundry, 'really'. (larf - not).
Susan x
PS my friend has a 'shit fairy'

Isabelle Nuts said...

Grrr...to the fat bastard/bad back dragon, get your sword sharpened Susan and sort him out! x