Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Coming up for air......

Recently, well, to be more precise over the last week, but not Sunday, Sunday was awful, but that is over now thankfully, I have felt a new feeling. The feeling doesn’t last for very long, and I don’t think I have felt it before, but it is good. I can’t describe it as ‘peace of mind’, that doesn’t explain it properly; it is more like a feeling of total well being.
There is a battle in my head. On one hand there is me, grown up, successful, caring and in control of me, versus, a little girl who is frightened, lonely, unsafe and has no control of herself or anything. The problem has always been that the little girl me, is much much stronger than the grown up version, so she wins. Her vulnerability, her inability to manage a grown up world, her absolute need for love and acceptance, at whatever cost, have always been stronger than the grown up version, who can actually do ok.
The little girl knows that her writing is rubbish. If you really knew her you wouldn’t like her. If you knew her you would push her away and not accept or love her. That no place is safe. That little me has been kept strong by abuse, and  by others reinforcing those beliefs.
The grown up me is not strong, it hasn’t practised enough how to manage, how to cope, how to deal with every day life, it hasn’t been fed, made robust, It has no resilience.
The grown up me knows that actually everything is ok, that I am safe, warm, clothed, have food in the cupboards, fuel in my car, some pennies in my purse, and that right now, I am ok. But the stronger persona, the little me, is jumping up and down, shouting that everything isn’t ok at all, that everything is really scary, that I can’t cope, that I must keep the curtains shut, mustn’t go out, must stay inside…. The little me wants to phone everyone and make sure that they still love me… the little me is sure that no one does, so it hurts itself.
So, why do I have a feeling of total well being sometimes now? I guess that the voice of the little me is getting drowned out by the support I have been receiving through my blog. That maybe I can write well, that may be people really do care about me, that actually though I do struggle, it is ok… other people who may or may not suffer in the same way empathise, sympathise and give a shit….  there is becoming a balance of those personas, maybe the support for me is strengthening the grown up me, and maybe, just maybe…everything will be ok.
Much love x

12 comments:

Frugal Queen said...

You write wonderfully and those who read agree - froogs xxx

Anonymous said...

Hi, yes you do have a lot of support and love coming your way, we're just not next door thats all. Have you thought of writing a letter to your little self. A polite but firm letter telling her that she has to go away now and you've got her a one-way ticket to Tasmania and you hope she has a lovely time there but you need the space she is taking up to grow. Lx

Isabelle Nuts said...

Well Froogs, as you are an English teacher, I will have to accept your praise, thankyou x

L, I have tried that in the past, via some sort of therapy... can't remember which, but this little girl is petulant, precocious and persistant and will not leave... I have tried floating her out to sea, setting fire to the letter, throwing her off a cliff, mentally saying goodbye to her, but no, she remains. She is my 'not good enough', and until I work out that I am good enough, she is going to stay within me having her tantrums. But I think that by making the grown up version bigger, it shrinks her and her power... but enough psycho babble, hope you are still having a lovely time x xx

Anonymous said...

Great advice from Anon. I am very fortunate to know you in person & you are one of the most inspiring persons I know. You're writing is fantastic (so good that I might have to hire you for my final year!!) The steps you have taken & achieved over the past couple of weeks should leave you proud, not only for the strength that it has given you, but for the massive changes it WILL make to other people's lives.
Keep writing, keep drawing, and savour the coffee. Much love to you my friend. B xx

Anonymous said...

:) You'll get rid of her eventually and we're all here to help. L x

Anonymous said...

Whoa… I actually cried while reading your post, because THIS IS ME!!! I wish I were as eloquent as you are about describing my feelings of not fitting in anywhere, the lowest possible self esteem and the constant struggle of wanting everybody to love me. I simply cannot cope with rejection of any kind.

Just one month ago, I cried myself to sleep for two weeks in a row, because most of my female colleagues were invited to a 40th birthday party of one of them, while I was left out. As I am every time. They always came running for help and support when THEY needed it, displayed superficial affection when we met in the hall, nonetheless I never felt that anybody gave a sh** about me.

That’s why I let my boss treat me like as badly as he did. I gave it my best, I gave it my all, yet it was never enough to avoid being psychologically terrorized in the worst way imaginable. Each and every day was all about avoiding punishment. And I let him, because I did not see that this was unjustified. I figured I deserved it, because I was not quick enough or not good enough or not efficient enough or whatever.

The result was that I literally stopped existing outside my “work bubble”. I was a zombie as soon as I left the office, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything, no appetite, completely numb. Just went to my doctor to get a couple of sleeping pills, because I couldn’t get any sleep at night for three weeks in a row, even though I was in desperate need of it. And there it happened – complete and total psychological meltdown… well, in the end I have to be thankful for my body shutting down, as otherwise, I would never have been able to see that I have to cut these sick bonds.

Still, here I am, desperately waiting for two of my colleagues, whom I always thought to be on my side, to finally answer my e-mails. We planned to have dinner together sometime. I have not heard from them for a couple of days. Drives me nuts. Checking my e-mails every 20 minutes, thinking I might have written something to offend them. Or has someone been badmouthing me? Or are they afraid I might be too cuckoo to keep it together during dinner??

Well, apparently I am not in a sane place. But it doesn’t matter. Because you do all the writing for me. I make sure to stop by every day, not only because I want to see that you are doing okay and because I love the way you express yourself, but most of all, I feel like I am walking by your side while looking up to you and trying to be worthy of you… THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH!!! A million hugs from Germany!

Isabelle Nuts said...

Dear Anon of Germany,
I want you to try something, and forgive me, because this is tough, but I want to turn your comment around and to think about it differently.
You have been through an exhausting and abusive time, from which you are now recovering, let's call it a sabatical! You describe it very well, so I don't think you need me to say it for you. You are articulate, and use language well, so enough of that, you do your own talking girlfriend!
Don't forget that while we are on our sabaticals, the rest work, so don't torture yourself waiting for mail, and also, don't forget that your fellow work mates are still workingn with this abusive person and enduring what you have been through.
You are neither 'cuckoo' or insane, you are at the moment suffering from an illness as the result of some awful abuse at work. You are totally normal, anyone who didn't react in the way you have, would be abnormal.
I understand your reaction to what you see as rejection. If anyone comes near pressing my reject button, I massively over react. I don't know why you weren't invited to the party, but that isn't important anymore, you are. Please look after you x

Isabelle Nuts said...

oh and another thing, Ms Anon of Germany.... yes, we walk side by side, hand in hand, we will get better together. But you do NOT look up to me, and you do not ever think that you are not worthy of another... esp me... :o) x

susan said...

Thank you, I too feel 'not good enough' and don't know how to change my situation to make it better, (there is no major problem, just different things, but still...). I do not have problems a tenth of yours but I still struggle daily, I have not been diagnosed (have yet to see a doctor) and am afraid of the future, I have had depression for the best part of 30 years and "managed" it myself, now it is too hard and, there are other circumstances to deal with. But if you can make it through then so can I, one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time.
I think you write really well and I look for you every day since I first read your story via Frugal Queen.
Can you try not to hurt the little girl, my daughter used to hurt herself and I wept many tears for her physical and emotional pain that I could do nothing about. I would not push her/you away, ever.
Susan x

Arwedd said...

I have had a really bad day today and just written a big "woe is me" post. Cringe-worthy!
http://www.arweddindevon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/misery-loves-company.html

Reading your post makes me think my little girl has been talking to yours, but children have a lot to learn. Yours needs to learn what good writing is, because you have it in spades. You are more than good enough and I can only thank you too for helping me with your words.

Arwedd xx

Anonymous said...

Good morning, Dear! Germany’s back… ;-)

Thank you, this was most helpful indeed. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts - kind of like swirling into an abyss - that an objective view seems to be impossible, even though I should know better. Of course, you are right! Guilty as charged :-))

Today’s the first day of the rest of our lives, and it’s up to us what to make of it. Well, in the words of Andrew Eldritch: “I bled all I can, I won't bleed no more!”

Have a nice day, Gorgeous! XXXXX

frugal freesia said...

Great quote, Anon from Germany.