...in the words of a dear friend.
Do we all 'fall off the shelf' now and then, all of a sudden become incapable of dealing with all the cr*p that is or has happened? I don't know, but I do know I have fallen of it, and am too flippin' tired to get back on.
Exhausted and dehydrated from sobbing into the small hours, unmotivated to get back on the shelf, though without emotion and tears. BUT, this is different, this is not a spiral of self destruct, this is good old, common and garden grief.
Christmas, which may seem a long way a way to those of you who haven't counted, but is really just eight weeks away now, is a difficult time, and I guess that I am not sure how I am going to get through it.
The intervening time is shot through with endless tv and radio adverts for the latest toys, gadgets and family games. Stores are full of the same. It's all about the family being together, about getting the right gift, about the 'spirit' of Christmas.
This will be my fifth Christmas without my girls, my children. I no longer know what they like, and so the gifts will be generic. I will do the best I can, but it will be difficult. I find it difficult to wrap the gifts, knowing that I will not be there to see them tear the wrappings off. MOMD has done the wrapping for the past few years. I find it hard to write the gift tags, not knowing how to sign them.... am I mum, or am I just Isabella now? The day itself isn't as bad as you may think. We spend it with MOMD family. Away from this City, away from the temptation of just turning up and demanding to see them. Being busy is the best way to deal with it, and that is what I do. Alcohol might help, but I would be conspicuous by my drunkenness, and I don't want to spoil the day for MOMD family....I may get maudlin and cry....It's Christmas, eat, drink (non-alcoholic beverages) and be merry.
All self-help books,psychiatrists, psychologists etc say that in order to move forward we have to forgive ourselves for mistakes and choices we have made, for our past.
Much love x