Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Falling off the shelf......

...in the words of a dear friend.  

Do we all 'fall off the shelf' now and then,  all of a sudden become incapable of dealing with all the cr*p that is or has happened? I don't know, but I do know I have fallen of it, and am too flippin' tired to get back on. 

Exhausted and dehydrated from sobbing into the small hours, unmotivated to get back on the shelf, though without emotion and tears. BUT, this is different, this is not a spiral of self destruct, this is good old, common and garden grief.

Christmas, which may seem a long way a way to those of you who haven't counted, but is really just eight weeks away now, is a difficult time, and I guess that I am not sure how I am going to get through it.  

The intervening time is shot through with endless tv and radio adverts for the latest toys, gadgets and family games.   Stores are full of the same. It's all about the family being together, about getting the right gift, about the 'spirit' of Christmas. 

This will be my fifth Christmas without my girls, my children. I no longer know what they like, and so the gifts will be generic. I will do the best I can, but it will be difficult. I find it difficult to wrap the gifts, knowing that I will not be there to see them tear the wrappings off. MOMD has done the wrapping for the past few years. I find it hard to write the gift tags, not knowing how to sign them.... am I mum, or am  I just Isabella now? The day itself isn't as bad as you may think. We spend it with MOMD family. Away from this City, away from the temptation of just turning up and demanding to see them. Being busy is the best way to deal with it, and that is what I do. Alcohol might help, but I would be conspicuous by my drunkenness, and I don't want to spoil the day for MOMD family....I may get maudlin and cry....It's Christmas, eat, drink (non-alcoholic beverages) and be merry.

All self-help books,psychiatrists, psychologists etc say that in order to move forward we have to forgive ourselves for mistakes and choices we have made, for our past. 

I cant.

Much love x


susan said...

Isabella, Christmas isn't always a happy time even when you have your family around you. Obviously we, your readers have no clue of what has happened to take you away from your girls. I hope, one day, that you will have them back in your life. Maybe every day that passes brings that time closer. I know that no words I write will take away your pain. I wish to God I could, even if only for a little while.
I hope MOMD's family are aware of your feelings and will give you space to 'step out of the room' for a moment of grief. Please don't pretend all is well when it is so clearly not. Is there someone in his family who will hug you and wipe your tears, I do hope so. (I wish I could, I will be thinking of you on the day. My Christmases are not always as it is shown on the tv).
This Christmas will be hard because we are utterly broke and may lose our house). Not that that even comes close to your situation.
As hard as it is for you right now, I wish you peace and a hug from this titchy hobbit woman.
Susan x

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hugs, Titchy Hobbit Woman x

Anonymous said...

Its good to know that you are back and safe at the moment.as for Christmas the less said the better!
We all missed you on Monday. hope you can join us soon?
Again its good to know you are ok have been worried.
love & hugs, Jox

Anonymous said...

Hi Isabella - you will always be MUM (such a simple precious word) - nothing can or will ever change that - no passage of time - nothing - you will always be MUM. Christmas is, I think, hideous for most people if they are honest, it is often an enormouse achievement just enough to get through it. If it helps, please keep writing, if you don;t feel up to it - don't - much love coming your way. Laura xxx

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hi Jo, sorry about Monday. I meant to come, but got really panicky about it, and decided to go to Sainsburys instead, and spent day cooking a nut roast! I will try to come next week. Hope you are ok x

Hey Laura, thanks for reading, and for your kind words.
Much love x

Lisa said...

The truth - Christmas isn't about being with family or gifts. Its about celebrating the day the most amazing man on earth was born. Thats all. If thats not your thing, then don't even recognise Christmas. You can choose to not be a part of this Christmas circus.

Take care of yourself girl, you are precious.
Love, Lisa x