Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Manic Defense against Doing Anything Useful.....

....or procrastination!

Oh yes, the electricity is now working. Washing machine is doing its thing, chicken soup bubbling away, should be ready for lunch, coffee pot percolating away and I should be writing my book proposal for all those publishers queueing up for first look at the manuscript.

 However, I am not doing that, I am doing anything other than that...that'll be Isabelle Procrastination Nutts sat on the sofa looking at Facebook, checking her email account, reading the news on the Independent on line then? Yup... all great intentions float out of the window.

I have got to a really tricky part of the proposal, the marketing of my book... who will buy it... how to market it, what makes it different from all other similar books, who is the competition etc etc... Oh I don't know, and I really don't care.

Everyone will buy the book because it is brilliant.
Everyone who reads my blog will buy it, everyone who reads my blog will buy one for their best friend for Christmas. 
What makes it different from all other books? It is a work of genius, I wrote it.
Competition? I don't know...show me where they are, I will kill them, and burn their books.

And, that is the problem.... for every one step forward, I seem to take twenty six back... the 'I can't be arsed' of depression, the 'I'm going to die' of anxiety,  the 'oh my god, there are maggots climbing the walls' of psychosis, the gut wrenching grief of not knowing my children.... it is exhausting, I am exhausted of all of it. The 'severe and enduring mental illness', it has the better of me today. It crept up behind me and grabbed me at lunchtime. I want to crawl away, somewhere dark, and just not be anymore, just to stop all of this, and not be, just not be please.

The magnitude of what is wrong, is greater than the hope I have, that it will ever be better. Not just that I will be better, but that EVERYTHNG will be better... and I am exhausted by the lack of hope, the inability to differ between real mice which inhabit my flat and the ones which in their multitudes climb my bookshelves, crawl across the floor in groups, climb over and through the traps I put to catch them, the psychotic mice. Being in a state where I can no longer differentiate between reality and psychosis is very frightening.

About ten years ago, my psychiatrist has admitted, I would have been admitted into psychiatric hospital, and I would probably still be there now.... on days like today I think it would have been a better idea than this.


susan said...

We have the same middle name 'Procrastination'!! The time I have wasted and known I am wasting at the time I am wasting it is stultifying (great word that lol). These are minutes/hours/days that I can never have back, the books I could have read, crochet I could have crocheted, dolls houses I could have made (yeah I had a whole other life, whole other hobby).
So I try (some days I fail) to do one small thing (although family life does eat into that time, they keep eating, wearing clothes, sleeping in sheets etc, dog/cat keep pooping, asda keeps me shopping (other supermarkets are available larf).
The bit I am unable to cope with is the loss of your children, that would tear out my heart, you are managing, though you do not think so. There may come a time when things change, and that day will be joyous. So for every time I sigh and roll my eyes I will think of you and slap myself down because if I could give you one thing in this world it would be that tiny wedge back into your children's lives. (Not that I am a goddess/wiccan or any such thing but if I had three wishes, you would get one of them. The other goes to my BF to have a pain free life and the last one is my secret wish).
Susan x
PS You are also on 'my list' for the day I buy a ticket and win the Euromillions, just haven't decided which friday to do it - that procrastination thing again, huh!

susan said...

Hi, when I went on your page just now I saw my blog......and I nearly cried, how pathetic am I. Thank you.
Susan x
PS In an earlier post of mine I joked that I had increased from 1 to 2 followers, and that there might be a 'giveaway' the next day I was down to 1 again, either I offended someone or am crap at irony (still upset me though), this blogging lark is a serious business though innit!

Isabelle Nuts said...

ah well, maybe the time will come and maybe I will die waiting, but I will be waiting, and wont ever stop. Not sure what I would do with the money from your Euromillion win though, I have all the stuff I need. I dont like stuff, it is just not important to me. I did have a think about it, and there are four possibly five things that if the flat was buring down, I would take. Two books which I love, my teddy, which was my mums before me, my greatgrandmothers jewellery box, and a box full of memories my brother made for my grandmother.
I love your blog, it makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me swallow some tears too. You gotta have confidence in yourself, you have to 'know it, to own it', aka know that you write with knowledge, passion and love. You are your own expert, so believe it and keep writing. Blogging is only as serious as you make it, I write because I don't talk to anyone all day. It is my therapist! Really can't take it too seriously, as I know I am not the most interesting person in the world, yes, I know...nearly thought.
Can't work out how to be a follower on your blog,or I would be there too!