I take a variety of tablets each day. One anti-depressant, one beta-blocker, three anti spasmodics (for epilepsy) two to four sleeping tablets, and I have a variety of pills to take when things get a bit tricky and I feel awfully awful.
If you read back a while in the Blog, you will see the post where I decided to stop taking all of them. I did this as a reaction to an assault, which I can't speak of, as what I say becomes both evidential and possibly libellous. I stopped taking the medication as after the assault, I had a conversation in my brain, to work out what had just happened and that it wasn't with my consent. The conversation was a long one, which afterwards I realised I had little, to no control of what my brain was doing, which at the time, wasn't much.
So, I stopped taking them and for about three weeks, everything was great. I felt euphoric, well, in control of me, and actually happy. I thought of the medication I had been taking as actually a big con', it hadn't made me well, it had just numbed me, maybe prevented me from being well, of repairing properly, it was just just an anaesthetic.
Then the sh*t hit the fan, overdose, cutting, being detained by the Police, and I wanted to go back onto them, the realisation that I really wasn't very well, and that the medication had been prescribed for a reason. Of course the reason I had been so well for those three weeks afterwards is the 'half-life' of the pills, the time the medication is still in the blood, although I wasn't taking it.
Of course there are huge drawbacks with the medication I have. First, I really really can't drink, secondly they make me hugely hungry and therefore I have put on a vast amount of weight. Thirdly, I can't quite get the amount of tablets to take at night quite right. The anti-spasmodics make me sleepy, and so do the sleeping tablets. Sometimes, the following day I really can't wake up properly all day, not good. I have a rash of tiny blisters on my pulse points, this is probably a side effect of the beta blockers. I get incredibly hot, this could be a reaction to the tablets, or it could be the early onset of menopause!
I could go on, but the main thing is that it has been twenty four days without self harm and nine days without vodka, so I think I will keep on keeping on with the pills and potions, they must be working!
I could go on, but the main thing is that it has been twenty four days without self harm and nine days without vodka, so I think I will keep on keeping on with the pills and potions, they must be working!
4 comments:
Bless you it is so hard ,keep it up ,my son used to cut before it was acknowledged or understood we had an awful time he is so much better if he stays on his meds ,with occasional lapses when he drinks ..love Jan xx
No, it isn't easy at all, and at times I get so fustrated with myself. However, will keep on keeping on! Thinking positive thoughts for you Jan x
Thanks for this post. You probably don't realise how much you are enriching the lives of your readers with your blog.
I wasn't aware of compassionate mind therapy, but am about to dive into the subject after following up your reference to Gilbert's book.
What I did find from my own (somewhat self-guided) journey into Vipassana mediation was that I got nowhere in terms of dealing with what came up in my mind until I hit on the principle of "be kind to yourself". No amount of commitment to compassion toward others had the same effect on my attitude to both myself and others as adopting the starting point of being kind to myself - no harsh judgements, no pre-judging, recognition of myself as just a human being doing my best. I suspect the effect of this was that, having felt the benefits of this approach to my own "failings", I was much more able to automatically apply it to others.
Now, thanks to you I'm going to see what a professional suggests.
Regarding the medication - yes, medication is prescribed for a purpose, but in my experience the accumulated prescription of medications over time can result in side-effects from some of the combinations. I think you are wise to keep taking your meds, but also to be alert to undesirable effects and to question where these are coming from.
Stay strong.
Thanks for this post. You probably don't realise how much you are enriching the lives of your readers with your blog.
I wasn't aware of compassionate mind therapy, but am about to dive into the subject after following up your reference to Gilbert's book.
What I did find from my own (somewhat self-guided) journey into Vipassana mediation was that I got nowhere in terms of dealing with what came up in my mind until I hit on the principle of "be kind to yourself". No amount of commitment to compassion toward others had the same effect on my attitude to both myself and others as adopting the starting point of being kind to myself - no harsh judgements, no pre-judging, recognition of myself as just a human being doing my best. I suspect the effect of this was that, having felt the benefits of this approach to my own "failings", I was much more able to automatically apply it to others.
Now, thanks to you I'm going to see what a professional suggests.
Regarding the medication - yes, medication is prescribed for a purpose, but in my experience the accumulated prescription of medications over time can result in side-effects from some of the combinations. I think you are wise to keep taking your meds, but also to be alert to undesirable effects and to question where these are coming from.
Stay strong.
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