Tuesday, 4 September 2012

and this'll be the drunken ramblings...

when you think about it, no matter what, we are still here, still being, still alive, still for some reason, worthy of life... even if we don't mean to be, we are still here, alive.. we should really look after ourselves and have a healthy diet, a healthy frame of mind, a healthy view of ourselves as human beings, but....
I love God, have every reason to believe that he has a reason for me to live, to have a reason for me being, but right now, I need God to show me what that is, what it is, what I have to do, to have the right to call it a day and not to carry on...or the reason why I shouldn't take my own life, either through overdose or through hanging, cutting, burning etc... but there is no sign from God. I know that while the teacher is teaching, I should be quiet, but I am impatient, I need a sign, a message, a reason.
I went back to MOMD tonight, but he made my horrid all about him, and to be honest I couldn't be arsed with it. If only he could see that for one moment, the woman who cooked for him all day, who got into the shower and removed all the scary hairy hairy areas, for him, who conditioned and then straightened her hair, for him (he doesn't like the way my hair dries into natural ringlets). Who dressed for him, not in the new dress that she wore yesterday, which didn't even elicit ANY response from him, but in a more provocative attire (the new dress will be used for patchwork fabric), who listens to him about his household insurance and how expensive it is, about how his day at work was, and how wonderful he is... who listens to how he would never have put the sewing machine needle in back to front, because he would have read the manual before he had used the machine...f**k me I wish I was as wonderful as him...huh, I am not as wonderful as him, and I can't think of any purpose or reason to carry on with this life without purpose. I came back to the flat, as I couldn't rationally think of any reason to stay with yet another person who was making me feel sh*t about myself...why.. because it was all about him,why, because, he couldn't say anything to make it better, YOU HAVE TO F******G try... oh God, I give up... what is the point, I gave up everything for a man who said that he would make it better, and has he?.... shit no... but then how do you make better a  heart that is cracked?  a heart that is torn...? I have seen so many psychiatrists who have been unable to diagnose what is wrong, and the best I have been able to find is 'manic defence against chronic dysphoria', just a heart that tries to protect itself from the sadness it feels.....
Much love x


susan said...

Please, although I don't know if I can find the right words for you, I will try - most blokes make it all about them, it is in their (bastard) nature. There are some, about 5% I reckon who are good, but there aren't enough to go round. If you have to work so hard to be 'good enough' for him then he does not deserve you. My friend went through several arses before she found at, age 58, a 'good bloke'. I don't want to stay with 'the FW' for the rest of my life but am too scared of the real world to leave at the moment.
I too talk to God, sometimes He listens, sometimes He is busy. I thank Him for small things and also ask Him 'why' for the shit in life, no answer.
As to the 'drive by' at some point some of those people involved will mature and possibly change their attitude. My cousins wife had similar experience with her ex, and now has relationships with most of her kids now they are parents themselves. (please don't give up).
Love to you
Susan x
PS my sewing machine has been unused for 8 years because I didn't know that the needles wear out and need changing so I thought the bobbin race was broken - duh, so am gonna have another go.

Anonymous said...

Oh please don't give because of some sh*t bag. I know whats it like to tell your husband your fears of losing your job and have it turned around to be all about him. And yes he thought he was perfect at everything and if you said otherwise it was your fault. I realised the only way to survive was to make sure I was not around negative people.

It was scary and rough thinking I was on my own. But slowly, not having other people rolling their eyes at me or telling me I knew nothing you do heal. Doesn't seem like God is there I know but he doesn't give you anything you can't handle, even if you don't think you can. At night close your eyes and hear him tell you 'You are my child, I am well pleased with you' Hold on Honey it will get better. L xx