Saturday, 29 September 2012

Whoooo hooo...... last a sunny day!
Have managed to get to Aldi and get weekend food shopping done at crack of opening time, and huge chicken is now roasting, hope to make it into many meals lasting well into next week.
Have had to pause and think about what I am doing. Without a doubt it is worthwhile, and is worth sticking at, but I have to take some time to sort out me as well.

I have realised that;
1. I am no longer spending day feeling doomful.
2. I am no longer spending parts of day planning my death.
3. I enjoy being on my own.
4. I can't please all of the people all of the time.
5. I probably will buy that tiny little cottage...with no parking...with garden which is hidden at the back of all the other gardens, with a broken ceiling in the main bedroom, and a tiny second bedroom which will probably just about get a single bed and a tiny chest of drawers in.
6. I am not the worlds best girlfriend or a pretty princess, and that is ok.
7. That I will have to take my car off the road for a week or so because I can't afford tax and insurance right now, and that is not a failing in my financial management, that is what it is like to live on benefits.
8. It is ok to live on packet noodles and instant bovril drinks, no it may not hit all major food groups, but I am not going to die, or suffer from malnutrition.
9. The work that I am doing on my e-book is going well, but it is not going to make me into a multi millionaire, and most people will never hear of it.
10. Many people whom I have allowed close to me in the past, will no longer be taken so seriously. I have to protect this me that is getting well. I do not want to be considered to be a 'project', 'poor old Isabelle.....we love her but she is a bit odd', nope that is out.
11. I find that though I confront discrimination and stigma, it still hurts, so I keep away from those who choose not to understand, and that is ok, infact, that is good.

So, for a while, I am choosing to be not pleased with myself, not arrogant about my progress, but just quiet and still, and let it be as I need it to be.

Much love x


susan said...

1.It's nice, sometimes feeling 'ok'. I am glad you have that now (me as well, I go to bed thinking 'today was ok actually'.
2 I am so glad, I want to hug you
3 Yep me too (tho I only get minutes of time)
4 Definitely
5 Sounds lovely, a little oasis, is it manageable tho (sorry being boringly practical)
6 I like this one the most I am going to think this way too
7 Benefits oh boy (I 'half-joke' to people that we are now a family on benefits - after years of own business,long story/useless husband etc)
8 Yep us too having to eat less - 5 people on £40 a week yikes
9 I would like to read your book, how can it be found
10 be friend-selective, sometimes the fun/lightweight friends can do the most good for you without realising it.
11. For me everything you are doing is good.
Love to you,
Susan x

Isabelle Nuts said...

Bless you Susan!
Though it is bloomin difficult on benefits, I kind of enjoy making each penny eek out to the last. Sad not to have Tallulah the truck on the road for a while, but gives me time to work out buses and walking, could do with losing extra pounds round tummy and hips! Had you thought of applying for DLA? You sound like you are eligible for it, need more advice, then email me.
Not finished book yet, but will send you link when done!
Much love x

susan said...

Have just left the potato peeling to say listen to Terry Wogan on Sunday interview with Neil Sedaka, he sang a song called, I think, Beginning to Breathe Again - I thought of you, the words made me stop and send you this (you may have to listen thru BBC IPlayer later).
Susan x