Monday, 3 September 2012

and though on the outside all looks good....

on the inside today, all is falling apart. But why you might ask? It has been thirty three days since you last cut, seventeen since you last drank any vodka, so what has gone wrong? OMG, please don't cut, please don't drink vodka........

The reasons are small and inconsequential, however, stacked up they look like this;

1. A lot of my friends are teachers, I used to be, they have gone back to work today... I haven't. I loved my job, and was good at it, I miss it. I know I am not well enough to do it, but I still miss it..... I am so selfish

2. As a lot of my friends are teachers and have gone back to work, I have not got as many play dates as I have had for the past six weeks and I feel lonely... I am so selfish

3. MOMD used to start work at seven and be home by three thirty, now MOMD starts work at seven and leaves work at five, OK, maybe nothing in it, but maybe he is seeing someone else ....I am worthless

4. The Big Issue seller this morning called me beautiful, it made me want to cut my face.... I am crazy

5. I tried to make a bag this afternoon with the sewing machine, but the sewing machine wont work, tension all wrong, I can't have broken it, nothing changed since yesterdays success...I am a cak handed idiot

6. I cried this afternoon because someone won a race in the Paralympics...I am an over emotional fool

So, sum total of this is that I am selfish (x2), worthless, crazy, cak handed and over emotional... knowing all of this does not give me the answers as to how not to be... but at least I am sad and not angry. The self loathing, angry  makes me cut, but the sad just makes me look like I have been in a fight, swollen red eyes, sore red nose.. and no I do not feel the need to drink vodka.


Arwedd said...

So presumably the alternative is to be totally selfless *yuck*, arrogant (because of course you know just how worthy you really are), always in control, perfect and able to do everything?

Hmm....... I think I prefer you and your undignified ways myself.

If you need a play date, email me

Hang In there x

Arwedd xx

Isabelle Nuts said...

OK Arwedd, so long as we can have an undignified play date
Much love x

Rachelradiostar said...

As ever, I am humbled by your honesty, I'm hoping tomorrow is brighter for you. Wish I could go on playdate with Arwedd but alas it's back to school for me tmrw boo hiss

susan said...

Hiya, I am too far away for a play date, have not had one myself for a verrrry long time, months in fact, bleh.
You talk to yourself the way I do, are we twins?
I know what you mean about doing something right one day and total crap the next - huh - why - how?!?
MOYD may have more work pressures, work life is so tough right now.
I am glad you don't want to drink vodka - that is a good day.
Please don't cut yourself, it makes me cry.
Susan x
PS I have a hideous day at dentist tomorrow - much diazepam needed, daughter has checkup too and is freaking out - I can't handle her problems and mine, ie I can't even have hideous dentist appointment without my family sucking my brains out - am I selfish??? (daughter's problems arise from repressed memories of traumatic heart op aged 9, hasn't had immunisations since, and she used to cut herself and I didn't realise it for a couple of years..... years! I am crap mum.
PPS If you go on playdate with Arwedd, will you go down the slide for me, or on the swings? I like the swings. lol

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hope all goes well at school for you today Rachel x
Susan, it doesn't sound like you are a bad mum at all, it sounds like you need some you time, even if that is just to go and have a crap time at the dentist. I intend to swing as high as possible and fly off the end of the slide without decorum... you know we are not that far away....
Much love x
PS Hope it all goes ok at dentist x

susan said...

Thank you for dentist support (I must say dentist is good, kind, gentle and soft, it is just the hideous scary, not in control part i hate blah). Hubby aka 'The FW' came for daughter who cried after teeth cleaning and fischer sealing, but not too bad for 2 years absence) but she rejected my hug - that hurts but it is better to attempt and be rejected than not to bother.
I had tooth removal after taking an extra 10mg diazepam,total 30mg) kept me relaxed but still awake lol. still got to have mould taken for new partial (nearly full larf) bottom denture, then went to local british heart foundation furniture shop and found another *sigh* little desk for use as sewing table for £30 - naughty I know but I want it so there!
Susan x
2 weeks ago found a fugly roll top desk for use in kitchen as lap top desk - being painted and papered now slow going as rustic built and £70 overpriced! but i loves it!!

Isabelle Nuts said...

sounds like you found some good buys! I was wombling round charity shops yesterday and found a lovely coffee table made of an old suitcase.. very battered and lovely, but they wanted £40, oh no think not, shall buy battered suitcase and some legs and make my own!