and though on the outside all looks good....

on the inside today, all is falling apart. But why you might ask? It has been thirty three days since you last cut, seventeen since you last drank any vodka, so what has gone wrong? OMG, please don't cut, please don't drink vodka........

The reasons are small and inconsequential, however, stacked up they look like this;

1. A lot of my friends are teachers, I used to be, they have gone back to work today... I haven't. I loved my job, and was good at it, I miss it. I know I am not well enough to do it, but I still miss it..... I am so selfish

2. As a lot of my friends are teachers and have gone back to work, I have not got as many play dates as I have had for the past six weeks and I feel lonely... I am so selfish

3. MOMD used to start work at seven and be home by three thirty, now MOMD starts work at seven and leaves work at five, OK, maybe nothing in it, but maybe he is seeing someone else ....I am worthless

4. The Big Issue seller this morning called me beautiful, it made me want to cut my face.... I am crazy

5. I tried to make a bag this afternoon with the sewing machine, but the sewing machine wont work, tension all wrong, I can't have broken it, nothing changed since yesterdays success...I am a cak handed idiot

6. I cried this afternoon because someone won a race in the Paralympics...I am an over emotional fool

So, sum total of this is that I am selfish (x2), worthless, crazy, cak handed and over emotional... knowing all of this does not give me the answers as to how not to be... but at least I am sad and not angry. The self loathing, angry  makes me cut, but the sad just makes me look like I have been in a fight, swollen red eyes, sore red nose.. and no I do not feel the need to drink vodka.