Sunday, 16 September 2012

Falling off the wagon........

and getting back on again......

Yup, it happened, and no, I am not going to crucify myself for it. There are things and people in life which, though I admit should not impact on me, do.

After a good day, it all went spectacularly bad, and yes, I found my vodka dragon, sitting in the hedge outside my front door, I am not sure it was expecting me, maybe I surprised it, woke it up, after all it was nearly midnight!

Silly thing is, I don't even like the flippin' taste of vodka, it send shivers and shudders through me... but it has the almost instant impact of removing feelings and is my anaesthetic.

I enjoyed my brief dalliance with the vodka dragon, and to be honest, I am glad I did. Not because I got blindingly trashed, but because I know I won't do it again. Why....? because it made the feelings go away, but only for a few hours, they then returned, and  I had to deal with them anyway, so apart from a brief few hours of not thinking, I then had to think them through anyway.

But...and here's the good thing, it was, in the words of a good friend, just like being on a diet, and then having a slip up, maybe eating a big slice of lemon meringue pie and knowing that I would put on a few pounds.... but hell fire, am back on the diet  and those pounds will be lost again. Just a mere blip.

I phoned the help line, and I think the nurse who answered was angrier about the situation which sent me back to the bottle than I was... apparently I was right, it was unacceptable, and I was right to do what I did; that is apart from losing the battle with the vodka dragon. It is good that I am learning what I do and don't find acceptable, so I am reassured, but not yet resilient to the silence and sadness that have come with that decision. But hey.... I am still here, still alive, no cutting, no drinking now.

Reader, I was worried about telling you this, as I try not to be self absorbed, and try to have something good, or at least try to find something humorous in what might else be a sad, poor me post... However, I think it is more important to communicate that the recovery from mental health illness is not easy, it is a struggle, perhaps not even our nearest and dearest can understand, empathise with; a step forwards and two back at times, but remember this, and this is the bit I am proud of, 'manic defence against chronic dysphoria,' that 'manic defence' keeps me fighting and winning, not always, but in the long run, either with or without those I love and hold dear, I will be well.

Much love x

PS. Am highlighting my hair, but can't work out how to bleach the long bits at the sides and back, the highlighting cap is not picking those areas up as I have layers.... and any ideas would be greatly appreciated x


Gordon said...

Fantastic! Because of the way you have handled this, that's not falling off the wagon, it's just reinforcement of the commitment. I'm proud of you.

Also find it incredible the way you have turned your life around in such a short time.

I love your descriptions of the early morning street, they remind me so much of T.S. Eliot. Do you know his work?

"... smells of steak in passageways. Six o'clock. The burnt out ends of smoky days. And now a gusty shower wraps the grimy scraps of withered leaves about my feet ..."

Might not be totally accurate, and I've lost the line structure - years since I have read it.

Your front step is so different to mine, which is two kilometres from a very quiet road. The individuals who pass my front step in the morning are wallabies (small version of a kangaroo), honeyeaters, kookaburras, etc. In fact as I sat down to read your post over breakfast a large male wallaby was watching me quizzicaly (?spelling) from where it had been drinkng at the birdbath.

Have a great day. Sorry I can't advise on the hair streaking.

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hey Gordon, enjoy your breakfast, I am just tidying up and going to bed now!
I have read TS Elliot, but your comparisons with him, have made me want to read again.
My front step is currently quite traumatic, with Police and ambulance in attendance at a property two up the hill from my flat, I try to pretend to ignore it all, but really find it quite fascinating how people behave, I can't really understand the huge emotions involved in what seems to be a minor event, but then I only pick up a small amount from the doorstep and usually scamper back indoors when things get violent and confrontational... too much nastiness, makes me head for safety.
Pity you know about as much as me when it comes to highlighting of hair....!
Much love x