Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Dunderhead.....

ah yes, the list does still exist, but it is slightly smaller now....
Instead of selfish (x2), worthless, crazy, cak handed and over emotional, we can now remove the cak handed.... I have fixed the sewing machine...ta da! Of course it was my mistake, I had put the sewing needle in the wrong way, and it wasn't picking up the thread from below... but I found out what was wrong and sorted it, now consider myself a sewing machine engineer (well, I read the manual). I finished the bag I have been making, it is made from a pillow case, very clever idea... stunningly made...whoop whoop me!
Now for the others on the list....
Firstly, this morning while glooming away about not teaching, I passed a group of sullen, foul mouthed students off for their first day of the new school year. I  have taught them all, and though they all recognised me and said 'alrite miss', I remembered that teaching isn't all Miss Read, Fairacre and roses round the doors, it is infact a difficult and stressful job, with wonderful rewards sometimes, and no, I am not ready to do it yet...hello....wake up call, think we can tick that one off the list.
Second, no we cant tick that one off the list, I do miss my amazing friends and look forward to seeing them again, in the half term or sometime soon, but that isn't a bad thing, it is a recognition of what wonderful people they are and how much I love them.
Third, well, I asked him about it, that is the time difference, and he says that I am wrong, there isn't any. Well I may be nuts, but I can tell the time sunshine....watching you, don't make me into your victim, it wont happen. Huh...
Cak handed is sooo off the list...super engineer on call if you need me, or you could read the manual yourself!
Over emotional, hell yes... but not a bad thing, at least I am not without soul, at least I can enjoy the triumph of others.... compassionate maybe?
So, in conclusion I can say this;
Bad days happen, the reasons can be found or not, but know this, it will go away, either because I have in the past numbed it with external sources (cutting, vodka etc) or if I can justify why I feel awful, maybe a list that can be evidenced that really I am ok, or just by accepting that day happens to be a duvet day. It will go away, maybe five minutes, maybe a few hours, days, weeks, but it will go away, the crisis isn't forever, at least it doesn't feel like that anymore. I am doing the best I can, and for that reason I am trying to be kind to myself.... maybe, just maybe that compasssionate mnd therapy is working, now it is over!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! and you are so right on all counts. Just keep doing the best you can and stuff will work out for the best. You are already a lot stronger than you thought you were.
Lxx

Isabelle Nuts said...

I am doing a lot better than I was, it is important to recollect how I was, and that is why the blog is so important. I think I started in July, only a couple of months ago, and looking back I can remember how raw and painful it was back then and how much I have got a handle on it now, not sorted, but I think I knkow myself better, and I kind of like myself some days too! Ha ha world, look out... on my way back!

susan said...

I read 'the random ramblings of a SAHM' (from australia I think) occasionally, she is nofurther forward from her traumatic experience and I have drawn my own conclusions about what lead to the traumatic experience, she has 2 small children and a worry for them. don't read if you are not ready too, it is harsh, scary, ranty and worrying to say the least. but, my point is, you are so far further forward already that i think, and hope, you will do well, and contentment and calm will be your life. you deserve it.
I also think, and hope, you have something to give society from your experiences that will help others.
Love to you
Susan x

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hi Susan, I did find the blog you wrote about, and read it til the tears made it impossible to read anymore... no, not yet, maybe one day when I have sorted out my own mire, then maybe I can proportionalise it with this writing. I will bring something to this world, not sure what it will be, but it will be good and have bells on it! Much love x

jacqueline. said...

You have made a huge improvement since I started reading your blog. What an achievement that is. I hope you recognise the amazing improvement that is happening in your live and that you are proud of yourself.