Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Operation Self Esteem...

Day Fucking One.... and yes I did steal that from Eat,Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

When reading back over the post 'drunken ramblings', I realised what a goddamn awful sap I am. Why in hells name do I spend my day cooking, cleaning, shaving, straightening etc for anyone else? Why would I allow myself to be less than I am, curly hair, scary hairy areas etc, and try to be something I am not.... how could I ever keep up the pretence of being what some one else wants, when that is not what I am.
What I want is to stop this battle within and to come out of it stronger, healthier and not feeling as though I have to be something I am not, in order to be loved.
I am not strong enough to take on the battle alone, and thus I have secondary mental health care battling with me, much medication to sharpen the swords, and therapy to show me the path to triumph... but where is God in all of this? I struggled last night, looking for God to show me what to do next, but then thought of this passage, again from Eat, Pray, Love; 

“Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”

So, God, here is the list, I can't make it into a pretty prayer, but this is what I want from you... my list of demands;

1. Please take care of my children.
2. Please take care of my family, and that is not just those who I am related to, but those who have become my family through their love for me.
3. Please help me to stop beating myself up for not being what others seem to want me to be, and to enjoy being the curly haired, scruffy, vision of loveliness you made me.
4. Please help me to rid myself of torment, self loathing and to forgive myself for mistakes I have made.
5. Please make sure you are ok too. Make some time for those times when you just need to do what you want, and not what everyone else is demanding

Much love x

PS. Didn't succumb to vodka, had a nice bottle of Chilean Sauvignon instead.


Anonymous said...

So so proud of you. I'm welling up with tears I am so proud. We can only be who we are, not who someonelse wants. And you know what we are pretty damn good. Warts and all. There is a lot of love for you, for who you are. You will not change who you are but you will be stronger and happier and a slightly different you, but still you. Love, Lxx

Anonymous said...

Oh and one more thing which I guess you've heard before, how can anyone love you for you if you're not being you. Its not easy finding the real you I know but she is there and she is great. There are plenty of MOYD who will love the real you, and curly hair. L xx

Anonymous said...

Hi, my heart fell apart for you yesterday, sending you a HUG! Your doing brill, see you on the 13 th ? Jox

Isabelle Nuts said...

Hmmm...feeling a bit tearful and snotty, and pretty overwhelmed with this. Have spoken severely to big G, who, in turn has reminded me that everything is not going to be ok, just like that, that it isn't a fairy wish list, and that I have to do my part too.
First of all, I realise that I am really only the true me when I am with people I trust... therefore the people I do not trust get chopped out of my life, therefore Jo, I will be there on the 13th (hugs to you too) x
The ones who require me to be less nuts, less frizzy, less hairy, more learned, more 'normal' can stuff off... It will take a while for me to get used to not acting, and hiding... but hellfire, it'll be worth it in the long run.
It feels a bit lonely now I have called for reinforcements as I intend to advance. Nick (CPN) is on leave this week, so I have called his boss, Ben. I don't mind if it just a prescription of something serious to get me through the tricky bits, I accept my limits and need drugs!
L, love you loads x
Much love x

Lisa said...

Your blog is helping me too you know. Its reminding me to keep trying to find the real me. Some days I feel really weak and admonish myself for lacking any will power. I have to think of that comment on your blog about not going down the same road and falling in the hole again 'cos that hole is a b*tch to get out of! However, there are times when I am strong and proud and know that I worth loving, even if its only by myself haha. Bet Dave the rabbit doesn't care if your hair is curly, and neither will all the people that will be helped by your efforts with the MP etc.

When I walk my dog tonight and count my blessings, you will be on the list.
Lv Lxx

Isabelle Nuts said...

Thanks Lisa, it is a big buzz to know that I am helping... and also to know that I am in your prayers too.
Much love x

Arwedd said...

Way to go girl! The Sauvignon sounds much more refined and less Devilish than the Vodka.

My the big Boss man is answering those prayers already.

I remember a line from Morgan Freeman who plays the Boss man so well in Evan Alnighty, "If a man prays for courage, does God give him courage or opportunities to be courageous? If a man prays for patience, does God give him patience or opportunities to be patient?" It's right before he makes a plate of chips appear, that's my kinda God!! although he might want to lay off on the calories for a while.

Keep on, keeping on!!

Much love and blessings Arwedd xx