Friday, 7 September 2012

Psychosis...

this morning, I phoned MOMD, because I thought it was 10pm the previous evening. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't get the car out of neutral and I had found where the mice were coming into the flat. However, as it was 5am, he wasn't impressed. So I cleaned the flat again. Now, across the floor and literally flooding up the walls to rest on top of the picture rails, were thousands of maggots, there were also a whole load of huge long legged spiders with large yellow bodies; following them along, almost shepherding them.
Dave started to kick off in his house at about 6am, I went to let him out, to find that he had killed two large mice over night, and he was quite traumatised. Dave and I are not feeling safe in the flat at that time, so I put him into the hallway and shut off the sitting room, bathroom and bedroom, we will be safe there. Eventually I find the courage to open the bedroom door, and on top of my quilt are two large guinea pigs, two floppy eared rabbits, and a nest of mice. I quietly shut the bedroom door, and decide to go outside for a cigarette. I roll one and on leaving my internal front door, one of the tenants from the upstairs flats is coming downstairs. 'Quick quick, come and have a look', I say, 'but you must be quiet'.... we tiptoe to the bedroom door, and carefully open it to reveal the menagerie on my bed.... she can't see it, so I tiptoe towards it and oh God, it turns out to be a pair of pyjamas and some discarded socks...can't admit to anyone that I am in the middle of psychotic episode, and say, oh well, I think I will go out for a cigarette now... Now, sat outside the flat, I am talking to my dad, it is great... but then I wake up and I am still outside the flat but talking to my children...then I wake up again, and I am talking to my team from a school I used to work in...then I wake up...this goes on and on and on, I desperately try to find a way to really be awake.
A passing Police car slows down, and both the driver and passenger look at me suspiciously, I smile a nice middle class, minding my own  business smile and they carry on.
Back in the flat, disregarding that it is only 6.30am, I decide to hoover, put the washing machine on and listen to some very loud opera.. I consider having a glass of wine, but not sure if alcohol and psychosis are compatible. I make a casserole for dinner, and as I put it in the slow cooker, a voice says 'good, that is good'. I am not sure where the voice comes from but it is real.
Dave is sat on the sofa as I walk back into the sitting room, I have chopped and peeled some carrots for him, and I put them in a bowl on the sofa, as I reach up to find the TV remote to find something for him to watch, I realise there is figure at the door watching me. Heart goes into overdrive, I step away, picking up Dave as I go, the figure melts away. I put Dave back on the sofa, and decide to make a big strong pot of coffee, but the hob is playing music, like it is picking up radio stations, I turn the knobs on top but I can't make the music go away. Think carefully, you have to do something that will bring you back to the real world. Sit down with Dave and drink large glass of Ribena, would prefer coffee but the hob is still singing. Dave climbs on to my shoulder, neither of us know what is going on... I put down some humane mouse traps and Dave sits and guards them....no a chance of a mouse getting caught in them now!
I wake up at mid day, I have been asleep on the floor in the hallway for about two hours. I have no idea where I am, but Dave is with me, curled up in my arms.
I think I am going to have to go back to the Priory.
Much love x

4 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Honey, my heart goes out to you. Have a big hug from me. L xx

Isabelle Nuts said...

In retrospect, it all was quite funny,apart from alientaing my neighbours! when the maggots arrived, I was stood on the sofa, shouting at them and shooting them down with flash kitchen spray...the carpet has never looked cleaner! The resason I blog about it all is to hopeto lose some misconceptions people have of the disorders I have. To hear that some one is 'physchotic', particulary when written about in the gutter press, is that it is something that makes people run around with guns, killing the innocent. Of course it doesn't mean that at all, it just means that I experience things that other people don't. Like the weird man who keeps looking at me from my hall way...thik if I ignore him long enough he will go away..!
Have a great weekend Lisa, and thank you for the hug.
Much love x

Gordon said...

Wow. That was a beauty. One of our best friends has psychosis, and even though it scares the hell out of us (not the psychotic episodes, but what might happen to her during one of these), she manages to treat them as humorous or learning experiences and, like you, can write some hilarous accounts of her experiences. But of course it is something that one would much rather didn't happen.

Have a great (psychosis free) weekend.

Arwedd said...

Please do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. You are far and away the most important thing in all of this.

You are of value, and you matter, to God, to us and to the world around you!!

If you need to get to the Priory, don't debate with yourself or others, just do it.

Sending prayers, hugs and much, much love your way!!

Stay safe.

Arwedd xx