Five degrees and closing in......

the temperature outside has dropped over night, even the seagulls seem to feel it. Quiet outside, occasional rumble of a car or truck, no emergency services yet. Perhaps this is the answer to rising crime in the City, keep the temperature below five degrees, and all the criminals will stay indoors.

One of those days today, if it wasn't before seven in the morning, didn't have meeting with MP and Police, could annihilate the feelings, emotions and pain, with alcohol. But today, will use crystals instead; white quartz to ground, black obsidian to reject negativity and pink quartz for love.

So still, so quiet, hear the kitchen clock ticking...have been in flat for eighteen months, didn't realise it ticked. But have already drunk a cafetiere of strong black coffee, mind is racing, heart is thumping, maybe heart thumping is noise, not kitchen clock.

Know that if I take medication it will be better, not so apprehensive...tense. Think hard, first meeting at eleven, seven o'clock now... leave it for a few hours then take sedative... sedative fizzing in my stomach; sedative removing real me, sedative making everything beige, comfortable, sleepy...sedative taking away raw pain, anger, hurt, frustration, grief, guilt, shame... Mustn't think these thoughts, must have productive meeting, can't feel these emotions, must save them for day off...mustn't ruin opportunity today.  

The silence becomes oppressive, claustrophobic, stifling; put television on to break it. Tinny noise, high pitched shrieks of morning tv seem alien to the silence, superimposed,  don't they understand what is happening today, how can they sit, laugh and discuss triviality when...hang on, just hang on Bella, it isn't all about you...stop the self centred, stop the self absorbed, stop the solipsistism.... this is not just about you, this is about every other person who is denied justice for sex related crimes, come on....change the world, be a heroine....stop it.

Adrenaline floods through again...breathing gets shallow, knowledge that something awful is going to happen, tingling in fingers, excruciating cold cramps jaw, shoulders, back, legs... fight, flight or stay and do this..?

The heroine in my life story... I stay... no alcohol, no drugs, just a meeting.....